My 25th Birthday!

At the mall on my 25th birthday with my little peanut!

I turned 25 last week. It was small and quietly special. I worked all day, and then I picked up my little boy from school. I opened gifts from Brandon, a portable Fujifilm Instax printer and film, and then we went to the mall and walked around while it snowed outside. Nothing very complicated or elaborate, just me and my favorites.

I think about how much has changed since I was 20. It's been five years, but it feels like five lifetimes. I am different, I am more alive, more grown up, more myself. I think about my life as a 20-year old. I was hurt and confused and wandering, waiting for my life to change, unsure of how to change it myself. I felt outside of myself and insecure. I thought I knew almost everything. Nothing excited me, nothing shook me awake anymore. I was melancholy and thought my life had been poisoned and there was no way to get out of it.

Yet, somehow I built the courage to finally barrel through the safety of my environment. I got tired of pretending things could never change, and I made changes. I went out and made my decisions, all of which seemed like mistakes at the time. But somehow, these "mistakes" fed my soul and directed me to truth. They tested me, my mental and emotional strength, and they made me know myself and know God. I became whole and sure, something I had never been before. Who knew massive amounts of heartache could do that?

There are a lot of things I wish I could have told myself at 20. I wish I could have told her to not worry so much or take things so seriously. To leave her relationship and go travel, and tell her MIL to fuck off and mind her own business. I wish I could have instilled in her the confidence I have now, take away her fears, and show her what real love looks like.
But the truth is, I wouldn't tell her anything. I think that even if I could actually sit down with her and tell her these things, that wouldn't make up for five years' worth of experience that would actually be ingrained. I believe that many things I'd say would just fly over her head.
However, I would tell her to visit Charleston earlier on, try creme brûlée, and make running a habit.

I feel good about 25. I think it will be my best year yet. Also, by virtue of having a December birthday, 25 is also synonymous with 2018, so I suspect my New Year thoughts and focuses will be similar.
I haven't thought about what I plan on focusing on for 2018/my 25th year. I know I want to work on my health and fitness a lot more. That's something almost everyone says, but I'm saying it too. B and I plan on running the KC half-marathon in the fall, kayaking and hiking regularly this summer, and I would like to have my pre-Samuel body back this year. 2018 will be the year!
My 25th year will be a beginning to a lot of things, I believe. Brandon and I will be renting a place together this fall, and we have lots of plans and ideas. I'm just excited for the possibilities.
Life isn't perfect right now, but it's definitely getting there. Here's to 25.

Hello, December!

I haven't written really at all over the last two months. Oops. It's not that I haven't wanted to, or that I didn't have anything to say, or even that I forgot. I didn't forget. It's just a lot of stuff.
My grandfather passed away very suddenly in October. I don't really know what else to say about it. It hurt a lot. I am still really hurt. But I can't bring myself to write about him here yet. I will someday. Just not today.
I think my grandpa's death kind of spun me into this below-the-surface darkness. Not depression. Not hopelessness. It just felt as though a light had left my life dimmer, and I struggled to move forward in the new lighting. I'm getting there, but I know it will take some time to get used to it.

Because of the thin veil over my eyes and my heart, I couldn't find it in me to write here, to plan past December, or even spend time with friends. I have found myself favoring quiet happinesses with my love and my son, with our families, and alone. I am content these days. A little stressed, but content. I know I'll get through this. There is no way but forward.

Nothing of great proportions happened while I was away. At least...nothing I didn't mention. However, I do want to share some things we did that made my heart happy this fall:

1. Samuel wore super cute overalls and played in the leaves.
2. Fall arrived!
3. We had a first birthday party for our little guy. So much fun!
4. My brother showed up at Samuel's party after being deployed for almost a year. We missed him so much. I ugly-cried, and he got to meet Brandon!
5. We spent a lot of time in the city.
6. Brandon and I ran the 5k at the Kansas City Marathon!
7. My favorite boys finally got to meet and bond with each other. <3
8. Samuel spent Halloween with his dad, but he was an adorable lion!
9. My love and I went to Manhattan, Kansas to visit his grandparents. It was dreary and drizzly fall weekend and it was absolutely perfect. 
10. And Brandon and I spent our very first Thanksgiving together!!

We had a great fall, despite all the hardships. I am so excited for this month and getting to spend the holidays with my boys. I am so grateful, and I feel very blessed. Happy December!